Puns - I'd say

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Puns for some well know phrases

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Rudolph the Red was sitting in his cabin in the heart of Russia eating his supper with his wife. Looking out of the window his wife remarked that it was snowing outside. "No it isn't" said Rudolph "It's raining". His wife convinced that she was right went outside to check the weather. Finding that what looked like snow was really only rain, she came back indoors and told Rudolph that he was right.. "How did you know?" she asked. He replied "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear"

The world philately congress was held in Beijing. One Chinese stamp collector presented his entire most extensive collection. All visitors were utterly amazed. One other Chinese stamp collector enviously said to him, "Ah my friend, you are the greatest stamp collector in all of China." and the other collector replied, "Ah my friend, I see jealousy apon your shoulder. Remember that Philately will get you no where." [Thanks for this one Alf]

It was once the custom for Watusi chiefs to be inaugurated on wooden thrones. After the inauguration, the thrones were discarded. However, a certain tribesman, who had been elected chief several times, kept all his old thrones in the top part of his grass hut. One year, the weight of the thrones caused the hut to collapse, killing him. The moral being: He who lives in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A German farmer with relatives in America sent them a package consisting of some pork sausages made from his old pig. When they complained that the package had not yet arrived, he wrote: "Cheer up. The wurst is yet to come."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal, and the other goes to a family in Spain who name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. On receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Two workmen were sitting in a pub drinking and arguing about which pub they should visit next. "The Rose and Crown's the closest," said the first workman. "No, the Elephant and Castle is closer!" said the second workman. So they decided to go to the Elephant and Castle. On their way to the pub in question, a ferocious lion, which had escaped from the zoo, lunged at them, but was killed by anti-aircraft fire from a search plane overhead. Stepping over the beast's body, they went on to the Elephant and Castle, thereby proving that the shortest distance between two pints is a strafed lion.

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly sir," says Jervaise, the waiter. "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise. "But he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed?' So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.
The moral? Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Cardinal Secola was hoping to become the new pope, but realised it would never be, as the Catholic church would NEVER be able to have as its leader Pope Secola! (say it and you'll see!)

During the Korean War, Syngman Rhee's son went to work for Henry Luce. But as the North Koreans came pounding down the track past Soeul, the young man got lost in all the confusion. Well, every correspondent in the Time-Life empire was sent out looking for him. After many hours of searching one of them found him. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I've found you!"

An exotic animal collector finally was able to complete his collection with the acquisition of an juvenile member of a very rare species called the Ee. The animal looked like a furry, round ball, with feet on the bottom. However, the collector did not know much about this creature, especially how much it would grow. And it grew and grew, and ate and ate more and more. It grew at an alarming rate. The small animal enclosure had to be enlarged, and enlarged, and enlarged. All too soon, the size of the creature was becoming alarming, and the amount of food consumed was straining the collector's budget. Finally, in a state of desperation, he took the animal in a truck to the edge of a gigantic cliff with the idea that he would drop it over the edge. Just as the collector was getting set to roll the animal out of the truck, the animal popped open an eye and looked at him and asked, "What are you going to do now?" The collector explained that despite it being a very rare species he could no longer afford to keep the animal, and that dropping it over the cliff would be a humane way to get rid of such an expensive liability. The animal looked over the edge and with a tear in its eye, said, .... "It's a long way to tip a rare Ee."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know For whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with - transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the stance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the police, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went ! off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells down by the sea shore."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag 15 were attempting yet another daring prison break. On this particular night, Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan from Northen Irleand were chosen to try to cut their way through the bars of the prison gate. They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act. As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We were so careful. How did you ever catch us?" The German replied, "It's very simple. Somehow, I can always tell .... when Irish spies are filing."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!' Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, 'You Sign! You sign!' Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!' Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of other car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?' The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: (It's a beauty) (Wait for it) (Get your best Chinese accent ready) 'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, .......
"but his face rings a bell."
WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said,Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch t hat fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side."What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but...
( . . . Wait for it . . . )
(. . . It's worth it. . . )
"He's a dead ringer for his brother".

The young Norseman was heading off to raid Ireland. He asked the old Norse chieftain could he bring him back something. The old chief said "a kitchen sink, get me a kitchen sink and I will die happy". The young Norseman was about to kill the last Monk when he taught of the old Chief. He asked him "Where is your kitchen sink?" Knowing that he was going to be killed he pointed to the coal hod and said there is your kitchen sink. So he killed the monk and took the coal hod back to the old chief who was now blind. He took the hod in his hands and said "A kitchen sink, now I can die in peace".
What’s the moral of the story?
A hod is as good as sink to a blind Norse.
(Thanks for this one Brendon)

Tina, Mary and Marge, they were the best of friends and did everything together. They were in the same flat and the same job for years and they got on so well. Then one day Mary got a promotion which meant that she would have to move to another town. This really upset the other two girls who immediately started to cry and this point Mary turned to the two girls and said ......
"Don’t cry for me Marge and Tina"
(Another from Brendon)

I say, I say, I say ..............

My wife's gone to the West Indies - Jamaica? - No, she went of her own accord.
............... that's the original one, now prepare for a deluge of variations....

My wife's gone to the Indian coast - Goa? - Phwoar! I'll say!

My wife's gone to St Petersburg. - Is she Russian? - No, she's taking her time.

My wife's gone to Northern Italy - Genoa? - I should think so, we've been married for 20 years.

My wife's had an accident on a volcano - Krakatoa? - No. She broke her leg.

My wife's gone mad in Venezuela - Caracas -Yes, absolutely loopy

My wife's gone to the Welsh border. - Wye? - Search me.

My wife's gone to the botanical gardens. - Kew? - Yes, it was rather busy.

My wife's gone to Malawi -Lilongwe? - Yes, about 5000 miles

My wife's got an upset tummy in Laos - Inkhazi? -Yes, constantly.

My wife's gone on a singing tour of South Korea - Seoul? - No, R&B

My wife caught a cold in the Gulf - Qatar? - Yes, she was coughing up greenies for weeks

My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia - Singapore? - Terrible. And the rest of the band were terrible too.

My wife went on a sailing course in Poole - In Dorset? - Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone.

My wife smoked a joint near Manchester - In Hale? - Yep, got absolutley wasted.