Performance Appraisals

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Quotes from job performance evaluations

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid fascination.

This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't-be.

Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was in there.

He sets low personal standards and then constantly fails to achieve them.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

He would argue with a signpost.

He brings joy - whenever he leaves the room.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

He would be out of his depth in a puddle

A prime candidate for natural deselection

As bright as Alaska in December

If you gave a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change

It takes him 2 hours to work 60 minutes

This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better

PERSONAL ASSESSMENT: A glossary of Terms

Term Condition
Judgement is usually sound Lucky
Takes pride in his work Conceited
Forceful and aggressive Argumentative
Conscientious Scared
Strong adherence to principles Stubborn
Zealous attitude Opinionated
Quick thinking Offers plausible excuses for mistakes
Tactful in dealing with supervisors Knows when to keep mouth shut
Gets on well with supervisors Gutless
Approaches difficult situations with enthusiasm Delegates
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress Entertains senior officers
Keen sense of humour Vast repertoire of dirty jokes
Unlimited potential Won't progress beyond basic grade
Exceptionally well qualified Has committed no major blunders
Shows initiative Covers for bosses mistakes
Demonstrates qualities of leadership Talks too much
A keen analyst Makes mountains out of molehills
Indifferent to instructions Knows more than his controlling officer
Active socially Drinks heavily
Spouse is active socially Spouse also drinks
Character and integrity beyond reproach Has not been found out
Expresses himself well Speaks English
Spends hours on the job Miserable home life
Average officer Not very bright
Slightly below average Stupid
Has potential But not much else
Mature Retires next year
Immature Still plays cricket
Would benefit from wider experience Get rid of the bastard



Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible. Signed Project Leader



That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to
you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...)
for my true assessment of him.