Answer Machine Messages

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Looking for some smart message to put on your telephone answering machine?
Here are some real examples .............

My wife and I canít come to the phone right now, but if youíll leave your name and number, weíll get back to you just as soon as weíre finished.

A is for Academics ... B is for Beer. One of those reasons is why weíre not here. Please leave a message.

Hi. This is John.
If youíre the phone company, I already sent the money.
If youíre my parents, please send me money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didnít lend me enough money.
If you are a friend, you owe me money.
If you are a female, I have plenty of money.
Leave your message after the beep.

(Narratorís voice)
There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly, the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind-milling at incredible speeds. Will he make it in time? Alas, no. His valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. Hi. Now you say something.

Hi. Iím not home right now, but my answering machine is. So you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello, Iím Davidís answering machine. What are you?

Hi! Johnís answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and Iíll stick your message to myself with one of these little magnets.

Hello, this is Sallyís microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with a tape deck, so Iím stuck with taking her calls. Say... if you want anything cooked while youíre leaving your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need replacement windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If youíre still with me, leave your name and number after the beep and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine. It is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and the number where I can reach you. Iíll think about returning your call.

Hi. Iím probably home. Iím just avoiding talking with someone I donít like. Leave me a message, and if I donít call back, itís you.

Hi! This is Anna's disembodied voice, she can't come to the phone right now, leave a message or try another plane of existance.

Hi. This is George. Sorry I canít come to the phone right now. Leave your name and number, then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hello. If youíre a burglar, then we are probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and canít come to the phone. Otherwise, we are probably not at home and it is safe to leave us a message.

Youíre growing tired. Your eyelids are becoming very heavy. You feel sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, telephone number and a brief message.

At the sound of the tone, you may leave a message. You have the right to remain silent. However, anything you say will be recorded and may be used by us.

Hello. Youíve reached Jim and Sonya. We canít come to the phone right now because weíre doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes to do it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... very slowly. So leave a message, and when weíre done brushing our teeth, weíll get back to you!


Psychiatric Hotline

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.